awesome_rossome

facebook ruiners.

2011-11-16T05:35:00.018-05:00

I've been a member of facebook for a long time. In fact, I remember when it was still called "thefacebook". It's changed a lot since those days, but is still basically the same thing: A place to see what people are up to. However, I've noticed a trend over the past few years of people who are ruining it for the rest of us. This is a list of those people:

The over-users:

This person posts every day at least ten times. Anything from pictures of their pets, links about coupons, religious/inspirational quotes, what they bought at the grocery store that day, and of course farmville (or whatever shitty game) updates. They have no idea that every single one of their "friends" has blocked their posts. RUINED.

The over-liker.

This person likes every single one of your status' and comments on most of them as well. This usually gets to a point where you realize your wall is littered with their name all over it. You'll post something and less than 10 seconds later they've liked it. RUINED.

The "How do I use facebook again?" people:

These are, more often than not, parents. They'll figure out how to post pictures, but post one at a time for 3 days straight. They'll post those "repost this or your puppy will get cancer" chain-posts. And how can we forget the links to websites that give you viruses. RUINED.

The "I'm important and post important things!" people:

This person posts stuff about politics and religion and has heated debates with the same 4 people every few days. I'm talking about issues like abortion, federal funding of schools, blah blah blah. Hey, it's facebook, not a platform for you to show everyone how educated and well-informed you think you are. You might think you're saving the world one post at a time, but you're actually being a tremendous douchebag. RUINED.

*You're not important enough for a picture*

The "holy shit these are sad posts" people:

These are the people that post 5 paragraph diatribes about how their life sucks and they'll never find love. I'm fairly certain they have the mental/social capacity of a 15 year old. Grow up, it's facebook, not a psychiatrist. RUINED.

The couple who share an account:

Seriously, wtf is the deal with this? Last time I checked, there's an infinite number of facebook accounts available. If you're worried your husband is going to cheat on you with someone he finds from his high school, you probably should get a divorce. RUINED.

The "I hate facebook" people:

These people post about how much facebook sucks and how if you don't change your security settings, facebook will sell your information to terrorists. If you hate facebook so much, don't use it. RUINED.

The people that create profiles for their pets or babies:

There's nothing to say about this except...RUINED.

Dude, you stink.

2011-09-07T14:59:00.011-04:00

I don't give money to homeless people. I just don't. Not necessarily because I'm a bad person, or because I don't care. It's mostly because I never have change on me and I'm obviously not going to give them bills of any sort. That's just ludicrous. Also, I don't like lowering my window and letting all the good A/C out of my car. Oh and they usually have horrible B.O.

Ross, this isn't funny. Get to the point.

Ok, my point is do you know someone who says "Well I don't give them money because they'll just spend it on liquor." This is usually followed up with a "I give them my leftovers, or bring them a PB&J."

First of all, this person is a douche and ridiculously pretentious. I had no idea the 50 cents you would have given to the dude was a financial investment in his future. Do you moonlight as a homeless life-coach? Did you expect him to buy a new wardrobe and get a high paying job because of your dirty car nickels? Get over yourself. Also, what if he's allergic to peanuts? You just killed him with your pity PB&J. Hope you're satisfied.

Who gives a shit if they go and buy booze with your money? If anyone deserves a drink, a homeless person does. They live in a fucking box, and now that TVs are all flat screens the homeless box-housing market has taken a huge hit.

Anyway, get off your moral high-horse and give the guy some change or bring him a 6-pack. Now I'm going to get back to throwing away all this extra food I have in my house that expires this week. That's just gross.

I love repeating myself.

2011-08-11T17:01:00.004-04:00

Why is it that whenever you call a customer service number, they make you type in all of your information: Account number, birthdate, social security number, address, and whatever else. Then after a million other menu options, you're connected to someone who asks you for ALL OF THE SAME INFORMATION!!!!!!! Why the fuck did I just spend 20 minutes typing, confirming, dialing, and yelling into the phone when you're going to ask me the same shit?? Everyone's time is wasted, including your automated robot voice.

Idiots....

Just give me the damn number!!!

2011-06-28T12:55:00.009-04:00

Am I the only one that gets frustrated with websites that don't use the month number in their credit-card checkout process? I always have to do the stupid finger counting to figure out wtf number July is. "Is it 6 or 7?...wait, is August 9? Or is that September?...God damn it!!!!"

Just include the stupid month numbers so we don't feel like half-tards when purchasing internet crap we'll never use.

And while we're on the subject of paying for stuff: At what point in recent history did stores decide that consumers had to pass an exam to pay for their fucking merchandise? "No I don't want to sign up for emails! No I don't want to sign up for a credit card for my $4 purchase (even though I'll save $0.80!). No I don't want to participate in a survey to do your stupid marketing research! Just ring up my shit and leave me alone!!!"

A fun way to be passive aggressive!

2011-06-21T17:11:00.017-04:00

Next time you're on a long road trip, here's a fun game I like to play:

1. Find someone who forgot to turn off their turn signal.

2. Get in front of them.

3. Turn on the same turn signal.

4. Wait for them to notice you've left your turn signal on.

5. The following will now happen:

a. "Look at this idiot who left their turn signal on!"

b. *pause*

c. "I can't believe how dumb they are..."

d. *looks down at dashboard*

e. "GOD DAMN IT!!"

Game over.

The choke's on you.

2011-06-17T15:31:00.010-04:00

Isn't it awesome when you're drinking water and you start choking for no reason? You know that wonderful feeling of "Holy shit, I'm choking on water!?!???"

The best part is when the person you're with says "Try drinking some water, it might help."

HEY ASSHOLE, I'M CHOKING ON WATER. I'M NOT GOING TO DRINK MORE CHOKING FLUID!

What's even worse is when you choke on air. I'm talking about when you're breathing normally. As in, the most fundamental human activity there is, breathing. Then you just start choking on it, and by "it" I of course mean "nothing".

"It must have gone down the wrong way."

Oh you're still talking asshole?!?? I thought we already discussed the water comment, now you're going with the obvious "wrong way" argument??

There is no wrong way. It's one way. You breathe and drink and it all goes the same way. Why would we have more than one way? You're telling me there's one way for air and water, and one way for choking? You're an idiot.

It's not delivery, it's retarded.

2011-06-10T17:38:00.003-04:00

This is retarded.

Seriously.

He could. Go. All. The. Way.....to Applebees

2011-06-06T22:22:00.005-04:00

WTF Chris Berman?

First this:

Then this:

Now this??:

Nutrisystem ---> Applebees ---> Nesquik

FAIL.

Check it yo.

2011-06-04T17:11:00.009-04:00

Today, my wife and I were walking towards the check-out line of a Michael's (we were buying lovely closet-organization paraphernalia, because I no longer own a pair of testicles) and locked eyes with a lady who was on an equidistant path to the same register. The lady did one of those quick-footed shuffles to get in front of us and then proceeded to camp out at the register with her unnecessarily gigantic purse.

AFTER every item had been rung-up, she pulled out her checkbook. 20 minutes later (give or take 13 minutes), she was done. If I could have reached one of the paint-it-yourself birdhouses, I would have stabbed her in the throat with it.

Checks do not need to exist anymore. There is not a single reason you should be using a check unless you are over the age of 90 or mentally challenged. If you still use checks, you are not only wasting your own time by writing them, but you are wasting the time of everyone around you. Congratulations for sucking at life.

And lady at Michael's, if I see you again in there next time I need to purchase a Martha Stewart scrap-booking kit, I will stab the shit out of your throat with a birdhouse.

Good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

2011-05-28T11:50:00.007-04:00

Ever walk out of a store at like 1:30 in the afternoon and the sales-clerk says "Have a good evening!"?

WTF are you talking about?? It's 1:30pm. People are just now waking up in the world and you're wishing me a good evening?? Just because you have a shitty job that you get to at 5am doesn't mean that 9 hours later it's automatically evening for everyone. Now I'm leaving your store depressed that I missed out on the whole day when I still needed to buy an ironic t-shirt at Urban Outfitters.

I say tomato, you say "what did you say?"

2011-04-17T17:22:00.015-04:00

I know what you're thinking...

"Ross, you have no idea what I'm thinking."

And you're right, I don't. But I knew that, so you lose and I win.

Hey, maybe I should blog about something. It's only been like a million years...

I can't stand morons. Especially underpaid morons that make sandwiches for a living. What I'm talking about are the assholes at Subway that don't understand how take orders for toppings.

They're always WAY too eager to hear all of the toppings I need even though I know they won't remember all of them.

Here's a typical conversation between me and the toppings idiot:

Idiot: "What toppings?"

Me: "Lettuce, Tomato" *pausing so he can start putting on the lettuce/tomato*

Idiot: "What else? What else?" *still hasn't done anything yet*

Me: "uhhh...olives, pickles, salt, pepper, and oil/vinegar."

Idiot: *Starts putting on lettuce* "Lettuce and what else?"

Me: "Tomato..." *THAT'S WHY I PAUSED AT TOMATO!!*

Idiot: "Spinach?"

Me: "No."

Idiot: "So lettuce, tomato..."

Me: "olives, pickles, salt, pepper, and oil/vinegar."

Idiot: "jalapenos?"

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASK ME TO TELL YOU ALL OF THE TOPPINGS IF YOU WEREN'T GOING TO REMEMBER THEM?!??!

Wow

2011-02-12T23:13:00.001-05:00

I should really post something new, huh?

Halloween costume ideas 2010

2010-10-20T21:49:00.014-04:00

Here are some of my awesome halloween costume ideas for 2010:

#1: A Double Rainbow

All you have to do is cut out a rainbow shape twice and paint it. Boom, costume.

#2: Sad Keanu

Jacket, jeans, and a sandwich + your best sad face = Boom, costume.

#3: One of these dudes from Inception:

Wear a suit, wrap some wires around you, act like your sleeping. Boom, costume.

#4: A cow wearing a bunch of Lady Gagas.

This, but the other way around. Boom, costume.

#5: A Chilean miner.

This one's easy. Sunglasses, beard, hard hat. Hug everyone and sing the Chilean national anthem. Boom, costume.

#6: The "Linnocent" guy.

Make the shirt, wear a hat. Boom, costume.

#7: Antoine Dodson.

Wifebeater, red bandana, keep saying "he's snatching your people up". Boom, costume.

REMIX!!

Tyler Florence = Douche

2010-09-15T20:06:00.005-04:00

It's official: We've run out of ideas for TV shows.

You know how I know this? Because there is now a TV show called "The Great Food Truck Race" on food-network.

Food Trucks. Racing. That's it.

Now all that's left is "Amputee bowling" and "Dancing with the hobos."

They're just old grapes.

2010-08-18T12:02:00.000-04:00

Have you ever met a pretentious way-over-the-top wine elitist?

I'm not talking about your casual wine drinker. I've been known to drink wine from time to time, and I really can't tell much of a difference between really expensive wine and a cheap $8 bottle.

I'm talking about the in-your-face "you drink THAT shitty kind of wine???" type of person.

Calm down wine-lover, it's just old grapes.

So congratulations wine-elitists, you know more about grapes than the average person. Have fun spending $600 for old grape juice that'll sit in your $250,000 wine cellar addition. I'll just kick back with my $5 boxed wine and drink it out of a solo cup whilst getting equally (or more) drunk than you.

YOU'RE THE DUMBWAITER!

2010-08-10T10:33:00.001-04:00

Does anyone else feel bad for dumbwaiters? I know I do.

Yeah that's right, I said it. I'm taking a stand for all the little elevators. Everyone's thinking it, I'm just acting on it.

Were douche-machine and retard-box taken? I mean seriously it's just a mini-elevator that takes shit up to a different floor. There's no need for name-calling.

"Thomas Jefferson used one of the world's first dumbwaiters in his mountain home at Monticello, Virginia, to limit the number of servants around the table to one, so that his guests could enjoy more of the view." ~Wikipedia

Really TJ? To enjoy the view? So let me get this straight, you used something called a "dumbwaiter" so your guests didn't have to see your "ugly-servants"? Way to douche it up founding father. Were you serving Asian-babies as appetizers or just palette cleansers?

And while we're on the subject, who the fuck is susan and why is she called lazy? She's more of a genius for figuring out how to pass stuff to the other side of the table without reaching across everyone. But nooooo smart-susan would have been too nice. Instead we all get taken back to the 1940's and send Susan into the kitchen to get us a sixer and a steak.

Apparently all you need is a face...

2010-08-02T19:40:00.001-04:00

Out of all professions, why is it that real estate agents have their picture all over everything? Business cards, billboards, for-sale signs, urinal cakes, or whatever. Their face is on everything! I mean who really gives a shit what a realtor looks like??? Do they assume everyone is racist and/or sexist and needs to pick their realtor based on their appearance?

Here's what I care about when looking for a realtor:

1. Can they sell my house?

2. Can they help me find another house?

3. That's it.

Here's what I don't care about:

1. What they look like.

1. Well he looks like he could really sell the shit out of houses.

2. Why is "I can help you with that!" trademarked? That's not a clever or original saying. Call anyone anywhere and they'll say that without a trademark.

3. Bad news Lonn Dugan. Dr. Phil trademarked that face.

1. Turtleneck + Bangs + Glamour shots = Hardcore

2. She can obviously gaze across a lake and look at real estate. I trust that she can sell it.

3. Your card says "Let us find your dream home," but you're looking at office buildings. You fail at life.

1. When I think real estate in Idaho, I think rock-n-roll, or is that bestiality?

2. Your picture is showing nothing but farmland, wtf is wrong with you realtors?

3. "Buy from me and get a free 'rock-n-roll' mix-tape cassette I made in my garage! Hope you like Wang Chung!"

1. Now this guy I trust. He looks like he gets shit DONE.

2. Plunger, tire, realtor. That's all-in-one service!

Here's a thought: Why don't we show pictures of the people who lived in the house before we came in to look at it? I think that would be A LOT more helpful when considering buying a home.

Office Personalities.

2010-07-27T10:44:00.001-04:00

If you've ever worked in an office, you known one (or all) of these people:

1. The weather man.

If this guy could have sex with the weather, he would. For some reason he's constantly talking about the rain, snow, clouds, wind, dew point, or whatever. He may say something like "Man, we could really use some rain this week."

2. The sports guy.

You may enjoy sports, but this guy just sucks the fun right out of them. He knows more stats, more players, and more useless facts than you do. Any player (or team) you like, he hates.

3. The fashion police. This is the guy that says something like "Didn't you *giggles* get the memo to wear a black shirt today!?!!?" because 2 or 3 people are wearing black. Hey asshole, there's only a select few colors of shirt people will wear to work, odds are a couple people will wear the same color on any given day. You're an idiot.

4. The douchebag.

He'll drink on the job, talk about all the make-believe women he's banging, and for some reason the boss loves him. If he comes near you, throw a fake spray-tan bottle in his direction to distract him.

5. The "what decade did you come out of?" person. How do you even get your haircut that way? Also, have you heard of a dentist?

6. The yes-man/kiss-ass.

This person would literally crawl inside of the boss' ass if they could.

7. The cat lady.

She has framed pictures of cats on her desk (some might not even be hers), she wears her "funny" cat necklace/earrings, she starts sentences with "Mittens did the funniest thing the other day...", she sends out email forwards of "why cats are better than men" This woman is insane.

8. The "always on the phone" person. This person never shuts up, they're always talking to someone, and they're usually louder than anyone else. If you took their phone away they would explode.

9. The guy that's in the bathroom way too much.

10. The "how the fuck did they get this job?" person. Not only is this person not qualified, but they're usually incompetent, lazy, and think they do a great job. Have fun staying late on Friday fixing the shit they've been working on for a month.

11. The office gossip/drama-queen. No I don't think you kinda look like that girl from True Blood. And no, the UPS guy didn't ask about you this morning.

12. The stinky food/snack person.

How the hell do they get the office refrigerator to smell like that?

13. The "cool" boss.

No, you're not a cool boss. Let everybody go home early on a Friday and we'll think about it.

The things I hate: Part 5

2010-07-20T12:09:00.000-04:00

So many things to hate, not enough blog posts...

1. Getting stuck behind a tractor.

2. Toilets that don't auto-flush. We have the technology, let's make it happen on all toilets.

3. Ringback tones (when you call someone and it's a song, not a normal ring).

4. The Fiber One guy.

I don't need M. Night Shyamalan's pretentious sounding (and looking), half-retarded, brother-in-law, telling me about my cereal choice while I'm grocery shopping. Also, this woman is eating something she hasn't purchased.

5. When people don't use turn signals. Yeah, let's all just ASSUME where you're turning. Good things are sure to happen.

6. People who don't understand automated things like ATM's, toll-booths, etc.

7. Weird toilet paper roll covers.

Hey Martha Stewart, it's a roll of fucking toilet paper, not an arts-and-crafts project.

8. Generic words on picture frames...

...or around houses.

9. Fake convertibles.

10. Leaf blowers.

Who thought a leaf blower was a good idea?!?? They're loud as shit and they only move leaves from one side of the street to the other. Why couldn't they invent some sort of technology that sucks the leaves up into a bag or something, like a fucking vacuum. Brilliant!

Check out other stuff I hate:

What a weird dream!

2010-07-15T22:08:00.004-04:00

Everyone always says: "Man, I had the weirdest dream last night! Hitler was baking cookies for me, but it wasn't Hitler, it was my mom. Then the world exploded and I was like 'Totes McGoats!' and you were there, but you looked like a cheese wheel singing that Bad Romance song..."

Ok, well maybe not that last part, but you know what I mean. Obviously you had a weird dream or you wouldn't have remembered it, douche-knocker.

I mean nobody is ever like: "I had a really normal dream last night. I did some dishes, watched TV, and went to bed"

Welcome to Walmart!

2010-07-12T22:11:00.001-04:00

What exactly qualifies an individual to work as a Wal-mart greeter?

Can you stand up?

No? Ok, we'll just give you a chair.

Can you make eye contact and say "Welcome to Wal-mart"?

No? Ok, just look around and mumble things.

Are you under the age of 90?

No? Ok, just don't die when you're on the clock.

Can you make people feel awkward and want to run in the other direction?

Yes? You've got the job!

You want the douches? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE DOUCHES!!!

2010-07-08T12:01:00.003-04:00

The other day whilst grocery shopping I saw a middle-aged (shorter than average) man wearing an Affliction shirt with khaki shorts and flip flops. I immediately threw up in my mouth and decided to make a blog about it (the guy, not the throw-up).

I'm going to post some pictures of idiots wearing Ed Hardy, Affliction, and Tapout shirts and rate weather or not they're appropriately showcasing the correct level of douchiness...

Ed Hardy:

100% appropriate. Young, idiot douchebags, with fake tans, fake necklaces, 40 gallons of hair product, and eyebrows made of cat hair.

Tapout:

This is also 100% appropriate for different reasons. First, he's a large guy with a shaved head. Second, he can't bring his arms down to a normal relaxed position. Third, he's in a church where Jesus would tap-out if he saw this guy.

Affliction:

62% appropriate. He's got the tribal arm tattoo (which is a must) and the shaved head, but he's a little out of shape for this shirt and he's standing next to a fake tank. Sorry dude, only real tanks please.

Ed Hardy?:

37% appropriate. It looks like he tried to rip his jeans off, NBA style, only to remember he had a second pair of jeans on. Also, the green goodwill collared shirt is completely wrong. If you're going Hardy, you go ALL HARDY, ALL THE TIME.

Gosselin Hardy:

24% appropriate. Without Jon Gosselin, middle-aged, balding, white men would still be wearing No Fear and Big Dog apparel. He gets a low rating because he's actually sort of paying attention to one of his millions of children (by holding their hand). True douches don't care about their kids. Also, he sucks.

Tapout:

Negative 31% appropriate. THERE'S NO SMILING IN TAPOUT!! Also, you look like Kate Gosselin with an appropriately douchey boyfriend who doesn't want to acknowledge your existence.

Affliction:

43% appropriate. Really Italian Stallion? This shirt just emphasizes how short you are since it goes all the way down to your ankles. Also, skinny jeans are way inappropriate.

Sending out an S.O.S.

2010-06-30T16:51:00.000-04:00

I recently bought one of those fancy new smart-phones.

I was looking through the different tools on the phone and I stumbled across something called "voice-to-text" which essentially means I can talk into the phone and it'll fill out a text message for me.

How exactly did we get to this point with communicating with people? Let's find out:

At one point people got sick of sending written letters to other people, so they invented the telephone.

Then people got sick of telephone chords and wanted something "mobile"

Then people got sick of actually speaking to other people so they invented texting.

And now apparently people are sick of texting and want to speak to text?

So my question is what's next? How ridiculous are we going to get at communicating with each other? Morse code texting? Voice-to-morse?

If you're too lazy to talk to someone, text them, facebook message them, or whatever, punch yourself in the taint because you suck at life.

'R' you serious?

2010-06-23T16:44:00.001-04:00

Kids are dumb. I'm not arguing with you about this.

Kids are dumb enough on their own without adults helping out the situation. I'm of course talking about the backwards "R" in the Toys "R" Us logo.

This backwards "R" propaganda has to stop. For 53 years Toys "R" Us has been reinforcing retardation amongst our youth in order to get kids to shop in their stores. A child sees the incorrect orientation of the letter "R" and thus feels comfortable with his/her writing disabilities. Now they grow up thinking it's ok to write things backwards.

And then things like this happen:

The things I hate: Part 4

2010-06-15T10:30:00.000-04:00

Welcome to a new year of awesome_rossome! In celebration of this historic event I've changed the blog layout and colors. You're probably like "wow, this is awesome," and I couldn't agree more.

So let's start the new blog year off with a bang: Here's another list of things I hate!

1. Fake eyebrows. Who are you trying to fool?

2. Stringy Bananas.

3. Crooked bumper-stickers. Seriously, take those extra 5 seconds and show the world you actually care about your car.

4. South Dakota.

5. When people with tiny POS cars park way up into a parking space and you think the spot is open.

6. "Things I hate" videos. I mean seriously, why would anyone make a list of things they hate?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

7. I-95 in Georgia. It's ALWAYS under construction.

8. When you're buying stuff at a store and the person asks you 21 questions like: "What's your email?, What's your phone number?, Are you a member of our rewards program?, Do you want to save 24.8% today on your purchase?, What's your birth sign?, What's your blood type?, How many teeth do you have?"

STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS AND RING UP MY SHIT!!!!!

9. Socially awkward people. I'm talking about close-talkers, mumblers, awkward-laughers, silent-talkers, loud-talkers, over-talkers, under-talkers, heavy-breathers, screechy-laughers, word-repeaters, long-huggers, and the list goes on...

10. People who park their grocery cart right in front of where you need to get your grocery item, and they don't move, ever.

Sidenote: There's always a child in the vicinity.

One year of awesome.

2010-06-08T17:35:00.001-04:00

This week marks one year from when I started this amazing blog of mine. So I figured I'd do a "Top 5" best-of blog post. I decided on these based on my stat-tracker to see which blog posts are visited most frequently.

5. Well that felt amazing. Yes, this is one of my most visited blog posts...WTF? All because of poop. When in doubt: poop, fart, or shit is hilarious.

4. Truck to penis ratio.

3. Nobody cares that you can bench 480 lbs... I'm pretty sure the only reason people visit this post is because of the carrot top picture.

2. The things I hate (parts one, two, and three). Because who doesn't hate stuff?

1. Architects: As seen on TV! Talk about peaking way too early. This was posted during my second month as a blogger and is hands-down the most epic of all my posts. Somehow it got passed around to 1000's of Architects and even made it onto this website. Good thing I'm not this hilarious all the time or this blog might actually be successful!

Below are some of my favorite comments I've received throughout the past year:

From: Architects: As seen on TV! "wow ...these brought tears to my eyes. absolutely hilarious. thanks for making my late-night in the office more enjoyable." ~Anonymous

- You're welcome, anonymous.

From: To my asshole cats... "HAHAHAHAH...very very funny stuff, like TBS except WITHOUT a rich, crazy, redneck at the helm" ~Will Shapiro

- Thanks Will. I'll let Teddy Turner know how you feel about him.

From: Not so fast!...Food. "You, however, are not falsely advertising because this blog actually IS awesome. We will follow you to the end of the world, or until our untimely deaths brought on by poor eating habits and lack of exercise." ~Micah Goulet

- False, Micah. This blog really isn't that awesome. I however, am.

From: If it fits through the door, we can fry it! "Theres is a big difference from fried chicken and chicked fried chicken...either you haven't eaten CB's CFC or you are a moron. Fried chicken is like the chicken you would get at KFC CFC is a flat piece of chicken breast. And CB doesn't have chicken fried steak its "country fried steak" or "chicken fried chicken." The only thing you got correct is that nothing there is healthy, but other than that you didn't pay attention to the menue very well." ~Anonymous

- You misspelled menu, asshole. Also, this blog isn't serious.

From: COUGARS!!!...Not John Mellencamp. "He's referring to the teachers who have had sex with 12-14 year old boys! Illegal. Why can't women have a title like Cougar and be proud of that. Men are called Playboys, and consider that an honorable title. Nothing like the double standard. Guys are studs when they sleep around and women are sluts." ~Sherri

- Ok Sherri, listen up. I am not sexist, or misogynistic. I just feel women are stupid, and slutty.

From: Mind Douche. "I feel like it's only a matter of time before you introduce a "Douchery of the Week" section to your blog. It could include such wonderful characters as...anyone who wears Ed Hardy. Kevin Federline. Jon Gosselin. Popped collars. You get the idea, let your creative mind run free." ~Sam Says

- Sam, unfortunately "Douchery of the Week" already exists. It's called Jersey Shore.

From: If the shoe fits...we don't have it. "Dude, fuck you, I own that shoe. It looks fly, biotch." ~Anonymous

- I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am for offending you, biotch.

From: "My ultimate 90's playlist. Best Vanilla Ice picture EVER." ~Todd

- You are 100% correct, Todd.

From: The things I hate, Part 2. "Ditto on the paper towels with respect to toilet paper. Or when you pull one of the 2 or 3 fold towels from a commercial dispenser and the last 15 in the box follow and fall on the floor. Now you feel like a douche because you emptied the dispenser. You could put those last ones back, but now they've been on the floor and have your wet fingerprints all over them." ~Grantloy

- Grant, CSI: Bathrooms would like to have a word with you and your soggy fingers.

From: The things I hate, Part 3. "I think you and I can both attest to the Philly fans deserving a good fire hose anal douching..." ~Mike

- How descriptive, and yet accurate of you Mike.

From: Eggs vs. Matzo. "Believe it or not, I actually enjoy matzo...in fact I look forward to passover every year because every supermarket has a display of half-off kosher food like smoked herring "kipper snacks" (which I like to eat with mustard on matzos for lunch). Either the maybe 1% State College's population that is Jewish is a particularly prized marketing demographic or there are other Gentiles who savor stale crackers and oily fish..." ~Matt R.

- Yes?

From: For Mitch. "You're terminal A1 in my airport Mr. Rossome!" ~Mitch

- Mitch, I assume this means you have a landing strip (above your vagina).

An Architect's guide to stupid questions.

2010-06-01T10:07:00.000-04:00

If you're an Architect, an Architectural Intern, a draftsman, or whatever, you've probably heard some ridiculous (conversation starter) questions from family or friends throughout your career. The following is a quick guide on how to answer these questions without having your brain explode:

Q: Who's your favorite Architect?

A: Brad Pitt.

"Whilst acting is my career, architecture is my passion" ~Brad Pitt (using the word "whilst" amazingly)

(Seriously, click this link)

Q: What's your favorite building?

A: The Walmart on *insert local address here*.

Q: You must LOVE Frank Lloyd Wright, what's your favorite building of his?

A: The Empire State Building.

Q: Frank Lloyd Wright designed the Empire State Building??

A: Little known fact actually, he designed it and lost the blue-prints in a poker game to Billy Lamb. Only us true architects know this.

Q: What's your favorite type of architecture?

A: 19th Century, post-modern baroque, early Indian picturesque brutalistic-minimal tiki huts of the asian-pacific, with a hint of corbu... (make this last 2 more minutes until their eyes glaze over).

Q: You're an Architect, you must LOVE this building...

A: Yes.

Q: So what made you get into Architecture?

A: I really wanted fame, fortune, and notoriety. But I'm a terrible actor and have no athletic talent, sooooo...It was between Architect and Garbage man.

Q: So do you guys still use blueprints, or computers?

A: We put the blueprints into the computers. Then we say "DIGITIZE!"

Q: I wanted to get into architecture, but I didn't. I even bought a slide rule!

A: This isn't a question.

Another way to get around answering any of these questions is to flip them on the person asking, like so:

Q: Who's your favorite Architect?

A: I dunno, who's your favorite Accountant?

Can I see some ID?

2010-05-26T11:58:00.011-04:00

I've essentially lived in a college town since I left high school. While there are a lot of benefits to living in a college town, there are also several draw-backs. One of the big ones I'd like to talk about today is getting "carded" or "ID'd" everywhere you go.

One time I ordered a beer at Chili's and they wouldn't serve me because there was an underaged person at the table.

Sidenote: Hey Chili's, you're a TGIFriday's knock-off. Get down off your high-horse and know your place. Barbeque sauce.

What's even weirder about getting carded is that awkward half-smile you give to the bouncer or waitress when they look back at you after checking your ID. It's like you feel like you're doing something illegal even though that's YOUR ID they're looking at.

It's actually worse for me at airports. When that TSA guy is sitting in his throne at the metal detector line. I have a mini panic attack, like they're going to throw me in jail because I don't look like me.

Sidenote: Man or woman, or neither?

It's a Jeep thing and I understand. It's stupid.

2010-05-19T14:43:00.001-04:00

Look, I know people have their hobbies, and this is just another one of them. I just find it a little retarded.

You enjoy driving your Jeep through areas where other vehicles would fail. You like getting mud all over the Jeep as a "badge of honor." You like it when something breaks on your Jeep so you can talk to your other Jeep buddies about what you're going to replace it with and how.

It's a Jeep thing. I understand. It's stupid.

I especially hate the bumper stickers that are upside-down that read "If you can read this, turn me over."

For Mitch

2010-05-12T15:23:00.006-04:00

Sorry for the delay in blog posts lately. I'm on vacation right now and I assumed nobody really read this crap anyway. Apparently I was wrong because I've had ONE whole request to post something new. So this blog is for YOU Mitch Pinsker!

How is it possible that any time you go to an airport, your gate is the FURTHEST POSSIBLE GATE to get to? You get your boarding pass and see gate E-168.

On your way there you walk past 300 empty gates that could have easily contained a plane and qualified plane-loading staff member.

God forbid you have a connecting flight with less than 30 minutes between planes. It's almost as if someone from the airline sees this and thinks, "Oh man, this will be hilarious to make this guy run from gate A-1 to gate Z-149. I hope he has a heavy carry-on!"

Get these sticks off my van!

2010-04-26T10:01:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the 2 week delay, I actually self-edited a post I was working on last week and decided it was the furthest thing from funny...almost as bad as:

Anywho, this week I'd like to talk about those little fucking stick figure families you see on the back of minivans. You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about:

For those of you who don't know what these are, they're basically stick figure representations of the family who owns that vehicle.

I mean seriously? A minivan isn't enough advertising for the fact you have bratty kids who all have different "interests" you've shoved down their throats?

It's one thing to put stickers on your car to show what school you went to or what political party you belong to, but to put every member of your family (INCLUDING PETS) on the back of your car?!? W.T.F?

Anyway, I'm not going to rant much more about this. I just wanted to point out the idiocy.

Here's what I get from the above picture:

1. Daddy loves to windsurf.

2. Little Johnny loves to ski.

3. Little Billy loves soccer.

4. Little baby has pants.

5. Dog & Cat exist.

6. Mommy doesn't do shit.

awesome_rossome, now in 3D!!!!

2010-04-13T10:26:00.001-04:00

Did I miss the memo about 3d technology coming back from it's 1980's grave? Seriously, everything is in 3d now.

I mean movies I can (sort of) understand.

But things like 3d sidewalk chalk is where I start DRAWING (pun intended!) the line.

I mean last time I checked, everything is in 3d. The world we live in is in 3d, so all you have to do is look around and see 3d! Why don't we try a little harder and invent 4d technology?

Instead we have top notch scientists working on things like this:

What the shit makes anything dealing with teeth 3d??? The whiteness is 3d?? The strips are 3d?? Do you need glasses to see the whiteness??

Oh wait, I get it. When you walk into a room your teeth project off from your face like in a 3d movie!

Thanks for parking like a douche!

2010-04-07T12:59:00.011-04:00

Have you ever parked somewhere, gone into the store, apartment, or whatever, only to come back to your car and notice the person next to you parked like a COMPLETE TOOL?

I mean seriously, how hard is it to park within the white lines?? Now you have to squeeze in by this asshole's car and turn yourself into a semi-liquid state just to slide into your driver's seat!

Anyway, I'd like to help out with future terrible-parking-job situations. That's right, awesome_rossome would like to introduce: The "Thanks for parking like a Douche!" automatic notifier!

Just click on the above image, right click and save, print, and boom! You've got yourself a ready-to-go award to place on that douchebag's windshield next time you're stuck in this wonderful situation!

You're welcome.

UPDATE:

Just found this on some random site:

Eggs vs. Matzo

2010-04-05T09:45:00.001-04:00

Christians have it right when it comes to holidays. For instance, if you walk into a Walmart the week before Easter there is an infinite amount of things shaped like eggs that will work for Easter. I mean seriously, ANYTHING shaped like an egg is considered appropriate for Easter.

Jews, however, have it wrong. I went into the grocery store a few weeks ago (before Passover) and purchased a box of matzo. I then proceeded to consume said matzo throughout the next week thinking I was a good Jew for eating the unleavened bread during Passover. Then, halfway through the week, I realized there was tiny writing in the corner of the box that said "not for Passover."

Apparently it was regular kosher, not Passover kosher. Who exactly is eating matzo on non-Passover?? It literally tastes like a stale cracker had sex with old cardboard and the resulting child had learning disabilities. It's gross.

In order for something to be kosher for Passover a rabbi must inspect the making of the food, and bless it with the appropriate blessings. What this box of matzo was telling me, is that the particular rabbi that blessed this box decided he wasn't going to slip in that extra "for Passover" prayer. WTF. This rabbi could have just said the "Baruch atah adonai passover" or whatever the fuck and gotten it over with. But noooo, he had something important to do and didn't have the time.

So now when I get up to heaven, God is going to look me in the eye and say "Dude, you seriously ate not-for-passover matzo?? The hooker thing in Reno I can understand, but NOT KOSHER FOR PASSOVER MATZO?!?!"

The things I hate: Part 3

2010-03-25T18:21:00.002-04:00

Apparently I hate a lot of things? (remember to hover over images for captions)

1. Voice commands on 1-800 phone numbers.

2. When I'm waiting in a long line at a fast food place (like Subway or Chipotle) and right when I'm about to order, they take a call-ahead order.

3. Intros on websites.

4. When a parking meter is broken and it says I can't park there. In other words, the City would rather have an empty parking spot than allow me to park for free. Awesome!

5. When I run out of fast forward on my TIVO, and I'm forced to watch commercials.

6. When plastic wrap sticks to itself.

7. When Bobby Flay beats someone on his show "Throwdown".

8. Local television ads.

9. Static electricity.

10. When you follow someone to their parking spot and they sit in their car FOREVER.

11. Philadelphia Eagles fans.

These fans do not deserve a professional sports team of any kind.

12. George Lopez.

13. When you go to a store (usually a CVS) and there's nobody behind the counter when it comes time to check out. Last time I checked, you need to put money in your register in order to have a successful business.

14. When it rains and a million earthworms come out onto the street to die.

15. People who stop randomly at the top of stairs (or a narrow hallway) and start having a conversation. Please finish your conversation while I wait behind you to get by.

Urinal confirmation: Complete.

2010-03-20T16:12:00.006-04:00

So I stepped into a public restroom the other day and realized there were no urinals in the bathroom. I froze for a minute and actually exited the bathroom to double check that it was, in fact, the men's restroom. It was.

Can we agree that rule #1 for a men's restroom is there has to be at least one urinal to confirm that it is a men's restroom. Am I wrong about this?

Movies vs. Reality: Volume 1: Home Alone

2010-03-16T16:40:00.001-04:00

I'm starting a new series on my blog called Movies vs. Reality, in which I take a famous movie we all know (and possibly love) and break down what actually would have happened in real life. It's going to be pretty awesome.

Volume 1: Home Alone

Quick synopsis:

At first we meet the McAllisters, who have apparently invented the term "cluster-fuck" when it comes to getting to the airport on time.

Throughout all the chaos it seems little Kevin McAllister was left behind.

blah blah blah, Kevin's mom realizes she left him behind and frantically tries to get back home to reunite with her son (that she apparently loves so much, she leaves him behind a lot).

Then we find out that 2 burglars are planning on robbing the house of the McAllisters.

Somehow Kevin figures this out and "booby traps" his house with ropes, pulleys, hot door-knobs, and irons, the whole 9 yards. The Wet Bandits never saw it coming...

blah blah blah, Kevin wins the day and the producers throw in a couple more of these:

boom, movie's over. THE END.

Now for what really would have happened:

1. The parents leave Kevin at home.

2. Kevin eats all the candy in the house.

3. Kevin gets distracted by his dad's "secret stuff"

4. Burglars show up in their van.

5. Kevin tries to prevent burglars from entering their home by propping up a chair to the door.

6. Burglars enter home.

7. Burglars rape and kill Kevin.

8. That's it.

Oh and maybe Buzz will regret treating Kevin so poorly before they left:

No post next week :(

2010-03-04T19:10:00.000-05:00

There will not be a blog post next week (please hold back your tears). So until then here's a few thoughts:

1. When people say "That's what I'm talking about!" They usually have never talked about that.

2. You know that commercial that asks "Where does depression hurt?" The answer is: your face.

3. LOST is the greatest television show of all time. There's no need for argument on that one. It's done.

That's all for now. I have a great idea for a series of new blog posts, but I'll leave you in suspense for now.

Here's something random in hopes Spring comes soon:

Paging Dr. Flinstone

2010-03-02T13:22:00.008-05:00

Whenever you hear about ancient medicine they’re always saying things like “The peppermint root was used for treating anything from a sore throat to a urinary tract infection.” No wonder the average lifespan was 5 years, they were being prescribed mints for everything!

The eucalyptus leaf was used for curing a rash…

The blood of a goat helped the common cold...

Caution: The blood of a goat may cause symptoms to double (or triple), consult your doctor if you start seeing spots, have shortness of breath, or have an erection lasting longer than 8 hours. The blood of a goat really doesn’t do anything, so any increased symptoms are probably just you dying extra hard because you live in the stupid stone age, idiot.

Ginger supposedly helped in digestion and could help in a heart attack...

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that people were idiots in the Stone age.

Random

2010-02-26T15:15:00.005-05:00

Today at the gym I was THAT guy. I was the guy that was talking to another guy about supplements and when to take them and how they taste, blah blah blah.

Shame on you, Ross. Shame. On. You!

As a side-note however, I've noticed a guy at the gym that's been going pretty regularly since New Years (resolution of course). This guy wears jeans and knit shirts. Not just regular knit shirts, the early 90's kind with horrible patterns.

Kinda like this:

Now look, I am not a fashion plate myself, but this guy is just terrible. At what point do you look around and realize NO ONE else is wearing what you are wearing at the gym? Buy some t-shirts and shorts, boom you're done.

Happy weekend!

I see overrated directors...

2010-02-24T14:40:00.001-05:00

Do you think M. Night Shyamalan begins every sentence with, "M. Night Shyamalan presents..."?

I mean the guy made one hugely successful movie:

No seriously we all know what I'm talking about:

Then he made a few other movies that were moderately successful:

Last time I checked, not even Spielberg or Scorsese make their names that big on their movie posters. But I guess when you have a sweet name like Shyamamalalanaman then you can do whatever you want!

Shape up or ship out!

2010-02-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

*don't forget to hover over images for witty captions!*

I wish there was a way I could skip the gym, throw on some orthopedic shoes, and get those firm buttocks I've always wanted. Oh wait, there is!

Am I the only one that thinks they look a lot like the sneaker version of the orthopedic shoes nana and pop-pop have to wear?

Here's how they advertise the health benefits of the shoes:

Here's what they should REALLY say:

I mean, don't get me wrong, I personally feel very strongly about Scoliosis. I feel middle school assistant gym teachers do a great job with making pre-teens feel awkward by taking their shirts off and running an old ruler down their backs.

In fact, I feel we should start having 5k's in order to bring this disorder the recognition it deserves.

It's a secret, Victoria.

2010-02-08T16:30:00.009-05:00

There's a fine line between sexy and awkward.

A woman in her underwear is sexy

GOING with a woman to buy her underwear is awkward.

Oh sure, it sounds pretty awesome at first, "I get to go help pick out the underwear that my lady friend will soon be taking off for me later...after I wine and dine her."

But then you slowly realize you must remain within a 3' radius of your lady or you start feeling like that creepy guy that plays mini-golf alone.

However, if you stay TOO focused on your lady, she starts feeling awkward and wonders if you have some sort of weird underwear fetish. So you turn and look away and see the 68 year old grandmother buying underwear.

Then comes the worst part as your lady friend goes to try something on. You are now stuck in the corner of the store sitting awkwardly on a ledge, or resting your arm on a rack (pun intended!) and then you feel the stares. You are now the guy watching women buying underwear!

Side note: How is it that women's underwear costs more than a 12 karat diamond dipped in gold, wrapped in platinum? The material costs 8 cents and the labor is pretty much free:

The story of the "Taco Bell Diet"

2010-01-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

The Taco Bell Diet.

Let me rephrase: THE TACO BELL DIET?!?!?

The following is a completely made up story:

One day an advertising agency presented the "Taco Bell Diet" to the executives at Taco Bell. After the executives stopped laughing they all looked at each other and shouted "TACO BELL JARED!!!!" We LOVE this idea!!!...

...So then they started an ad campaign with this woman:

And then everyone rushed to their local Taco Bell...

...and they all ate a shitload of Taco Bell

So for 3 weeks, everyone ate this stuff:

And then everyone looked like this:

But it was OK, because they all got to hang out with this guy:

The End!

The things I hate: Part 2

2010-01-22T13:47:00.016-05:00

Since you loved my first list of things I hate, I had to follow it up with even more!

21. The saying "Git 'er done!"

22. People who don't understand the concept of stop signs. (see this blog post)

23. Talking and/or dancing baby commercials.

24. Any Dane Cook movie.

25. People that wear camo in public (that aren't in the military).

26. When you go to grab a single paper towel and half the roll comes off the dispenser.

27. Ugly babies.

28. People who say "Oh, I could have told you THAT!"

29. Americans who call America "The States".

30. People who drive down the middle of parking lot aisles and stop at the end while you're trying to turn into that aisle. Seriously, you're an idiot.

31. Old naked dudes in a locker room at a gym. Nobody, I mean NOBODY, wants to see your old wrinkly junk under cheap fluorescent lighting. Put that shit away.

32. People who don't tip their waiters or waitresses because their food didn't come exactly the way they wanted it. Last time I checked, the wait staff isn't cooking your meal. Be an adult and ask them to fix it, or just wear a sign that says "I'm cheap" next time you walk into a restaurant.

33. A baker's dozen. Let's just say 13, shall we?

34. Paula Deen.

35. When you're buying something with cash and the total comes out to whatever dollars and ONE CENT, and you don't have a penny. So the cashier gives you 99 cents back. Nobody wants 99 cents.

I was going to stop the list at this but I've decided to go topical and add another one:

36. The Conan O'brien thing. Because it sucks when you get fired because idiots above you made poor business decisions.

80's to the MAX!

2010-01-17T17:10:00.001-05:00

Due to the enormous popularity (in my head) of my Ultimate 90's playlist, I have decided to follow it up with the most amazing 80's playlist ever:

Take on Me - Aha

Heat of the Moment - Asia

Love Shack - B-52s

Roam - B-52s

Tarzan Boy - Baltimora

Cruel Summer - Bananarama

Manic Monday - The Bangles

Walk like an Egyptian - The Bangles

Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin

Brass Monkey - Beastie Boys

Fight for Your Right - Beastie Boys

Heaven is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carslile

I've Had the Time of My Life - Bill Medley

Mony Mony - Billy Idol

Rebel Yell - Billy Idol

White Wedding - Billy Idol

We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel

Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Car) - Billy Ocean

Blaze of Glory - Bon Jovi

Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi

Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi

You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi

Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler

I Need A Hero - Bonnie Tyler (was in the chase scene in Short Circuit 2)

Born in the USA - Bruce Springsteen

Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen

Cuts Like a Knife - Bryan Adams

Video Killed the Radio Star - Buggles

Hello Again - The Cars

If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cindy Lauper

Time After Time - Cindy Lauper

True Colors - Cindy Lauper

Don't Dream It's Over - Crowded House

Karma Chameleon - Culture Club

Love Song - The Cure

I Just Died in Your Arms - Cutting Crew

Let's Dance - David Bowie

You Spin Me Right Round - Dead or Alive

Rhythm of the Night - Debarge

Pour Some Sugar - Def Leppard

Let's Hear it for the Boy - Denise Williams

Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode

Whip It - Devo

Come on Eilleen - Dexy's Midnight Runners

Money for Nothing - Dire Straits

She Works Hard for the Money - Donna Summer

Girls on Film - Duran Duran

Hungry Like a Wolf - Duran Duran

Rio - Duran Duran

The Last Dragon - Dwight David

I Touch Myself - Dyvinles

USSR - Eddie Huntington

Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money

The Final Countdown - Europe

Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics

Rock Me Amadeus - Falco

Cars - Fear Factory

She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals

I Ran (So Far Away) - Flock of Seagulls

Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Where Everybody Knows Your Name (Cheers Theme) - Gary Portnoy

I Can't Dance - Genesis

Invisible Touch - Genesis

Faith - George Michael

Freedom - George Michael (This song was from 1990, but it's SO 80's)

Conga - Gloria Estefan

The Message - GrandMaster Flash

Maneater - Hall & Oates

You Make My Dreams Come True - Hall & Oates

Beverly Hills Cop Theme - Harold Faltermeyer

Power of Love - Huey Lewis & the News

Don't You Want Me - Human League

Obsession - Human League

Need You Tonight - INXS

What a Feeling - Irene Cara

Centerfold - J Geils Band

Freeze Frame - J Geils Band

We Built This City - Jefferson Starship

You're the Best (from Karate Kid) - Joe "Bean" Esposito

Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart) - Journey

Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

Footloose - Kenny Loggins

Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins

My Sharona - Knack

All Night Long - Lionel Richie

Funkytown - Lips Inc

Mama Said Knock You Out - LL Cool J

Turn Me Loose - Loverboy

Our House - Madness

Get Into the Groove - Madonna

Like a Prayer - Madonna

Like a Virgin - Madonna

Material Girl - Madonna

Vogue - Madonna

Down Under - Men at Work

Safety Dance - Men Without Hats

Beat It - Michael Jackson

Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

Bad - Michael Jackson

Thriller - Michael Jackson

Somebody's Watching Me - Michael Jackson & Rockwell

She's a Maniac - Michael Sambello

All I Need is a Miracle - Mike and the Mechanics

Blame it on the Rain - Milli Vanilli

I'll Melt With You - Modern English

Dr. Feelgood - Motley Crue

Broken Wings - Mr. Mister

Always Something there to Remind Me - Naked Eyes

99 Red Balloons - Nena

Candy Girl - New Edition

Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order

Sister Christian - Night Ranger

Your Love - The Outfield

Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benatar

Call Me Al - Paul Simon

Straight Up - Paula Abdul

In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel

Another Day in Paradise - Phil Collins

In The Air Tonight - Phil Collins

Sussudio - Phil Collins

Every Rose Has its Thorn - Poison

Message in a Bottle - The Police

Roxanne - The Police

Every Breath You Take - The Police

Let's Go Crazy - Prince

Party Like its 1999 - Prince

When Doves Cry - Prince

Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

Under Pressure - Queen & David Bowie

Ghostbusters Theme - Ray Parker Jr.

Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon

Unsatisfied - The Replacements

Hold on to the Night - Richard Marx

Together Forever - Rick Astley

Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley

Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer

It's Tricky - Run DMC

Walk this Way - Run DMC & Aerosmith

Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes

Rock You Like A Hurricane - Scorpions

Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds

Tainted Love - Soft Cell

Oh Sherrie - Steve Perry

Mr. Roboto - Styx

Rappers Delight - Sugar Hill Gang

Eye of the Tiger - Survivor

No Easy Way Out (Rocky IV) - Survivor

Burning Down the House - Talking Heads

Same as it Ever Was - Talking Heads

Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears For Fears

Break It Down Again - Tears For Fears

Shout - Tears For Fears

Knight Rider Theme

867-5309 - Tommy Tutone

Wild Thing - Tone Loc

Hey Mickey - Toni Basil

Africa - Toto

We're Not Gonna Take it - Twisted Sister

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2

With or Without You - U2

Red Red Wine - UB40

Jump - Van Halen

Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung

Dance Hall Days - Wang Chung

Cherry Pie - Warrant

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go - Wham

Careless Whisper - Wham

The Promise - When In Rome

Here I Go Again - Whitesnake

I Wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston

Owner of a Lonely Heart - Yes

Busta Move - Young MC

What can BROWN do for you?

2010-01-12T12:12:00.000-05:00

Everything, I mean EVERYTHING, was covered in fake wood in the 1970's and 80's.

Let's start with houses:

Now let's move onto motor vehicles:

And if houses and cars weren't enough...

My ultimate 90's playlist

2010-01-08T11:14:00.030-05:00

The following is THE ultimate 1990's playlist. 172 magical songs that take you back to the days when parachute pants were awesome, slap bracelets were legal to be made out of metal, and Cindy Crawford was every single man's dream girl.

*Note: some songs had to be eliminated for this playlist to fit on one 700mb mp3 CD*

If you have any suggestions on songs that HAVE to be on this list, feel free to comment...(if you say "The Macarena" or "Mambo No. 5" you're retarded)

Come Original - 311

Whats Up - 4 Non Blondes

Cumbersome - 7 Mary 3

Beautiful Life - Ace of Base

The Sign - Ace of Base

Cryin' - Aerosmith

Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith

Ironic - Alanis Morissette

You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

Never Ever - All Saints

I Swear - All-4-One

Quit Playing Games With My Heart - Backstreet Boys

One week - Barenaked Ladies

Intergalactic - Beastie Boys

Loser - Beck

Desperately Wanting - Better Than Ezra

Hard To Handle - Black Crowes

No Diggity - Blackstreet

Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me) - Blessid Union of Souls

No Rain - Blind Melon

The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang

Run Around - Blues Traveler

I'll Make Love to You - Boyz II Men

On Bended Knee - Boyz II Men

Baby One More Time - Britney Spears

Everything I Do - Bryan Adams

Gonna Make You Sweat - C & C Music Factory

I Will Survive - Cake

Sheep go to Heaven - Cake

Love Fool - Cardigans

Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion

TubThumping - Chumbawamba

Better Days - Citizen King

World I Know - Collective Soul

I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

Gangsters Paradise - Coolio

1234 - Coolio

Hangin' Around - Counting Crows

Mr. Jones - Counting Crows

Dreams - Cranberries

Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warholes

Breakfast At Tiffany`s - Deep Blue Something

Roll To Me - Del Amitri

You Gotta Be - Des'ree

The Humpty Dance - Digital Underground

Let Me Clear My Throat - DJ Kool

I Love You Always Forever - Donna Lewis

Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik

Save Tonight - Eagle-Eye Cherry

I'll Be - Edwin McCain

Unbelievable - EMF

Inside Out - Eve 6

Hooch - Everything

The Way - Fastball

Criminal - Fiona Apple

Da Dip - Freak Nasty

Killing Me Softly - Fugees

Dreams Can Come True - Gabrielle

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta - Geto Boys

Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

Slide - Goo Goo Dolls

Long View - Green Day

Basket Case - Green Day

When I Come Around - Green Day

What Is Love - Haddaway

Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger

Only Wanna Be With You - Hootie & The Blowfish

Jump Around - House Of Pain

Shame on You - Indigo Girls

Here Comes The Hotstepper - Ini Kamoze

Virtual Insanity - Jamiroquai

If - Janet Jackson

Who Will Save Your Soul - Jewel

What If God Was One of Us - Joan Osborne

All My Life - KCi & JoJo

Jump - Kriss Kross

Doo-Wop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill

Steal My Sunshine - Len

Summergirls - LFO

Stay - Lisa Lobe

Doing It - LL Cool J

Copacetic - Local H

Walking in Memphis - Marc Cohn

I Try - Macy Gray

Sex And Candy - Marcy Playground

Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey

Fantasy - Mariah Carey

One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men

In The House of Stone and Light - Martin Page

Feel So Good - Ma$e

Push - Matchbox 20

Real world - Matchbox 20

3 am - Matchbox 20

Can't Touch This - MC Hammer

Bitch - Meridith Brooks

Mouth - Merril Bainbridge

Black or White - Michael Jackson

You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson

Will You Be There - Michael Jackson

The Impression That I Get - Mighty Mighty Bosstones

This Is How We Do It - Montell Jordan

To Be With You - Mr. Big

Tearin' Up My Heart - 'N Sync

Popular - Nada Surf

Torn - Natalie Imbruglia

You Get What You Give - New Radicals

Too Close - NeXt

Come As You Are - Nirvana

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

Don't Speak - No Doubt

Big Poppa - Notorious B.I.G

Hypnotize - Notorious B.I.G

Champagne Supernova - Oasis

Wonderwall - Oasis

How Bizzare - OMC

Jeremy - Pearl Jam

Peaches - Presidents of the USA

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - Proclaimers (not 90's)

Mo' Money Mo' Problems - Puff Daddy

I Believe I Can Fly - R. Kelly

Give It Away - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Soul to Squeeze - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Losing My Religion - REM

I'll Be There For You -The Rembrants

Always Be Around - Robyn

Shoop - Salt-N-Pepa

I Want You - Savage Garden

Kiss From A Rose - Seal

Dreaming of You - Selena

Closing Time - Semisonic

Boombastic - Shaggy

Lullaby - Shawn Mullins

All I Wanna Do - Sheryl Crow

Baby's Got Back - Sir Mix-A-Lot

All For You - Sister Hazel

I Wish - Skee Lo

1979 - Smashing Pumpkins

All Star - Smashmouth

Informer - Snow

Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

Wannabe - Spice Girls

Two Princes - Spin Doctors

Connected - Stereo MC's

Creep - Stone Temple Pilots

Plush - Stone Temple Pilots

What I Got - Sublime

Wrong Way - Sublime

Fly - Sugar Ray

Tom's Diner - Suzanne Vega

She's So High - Tal Bachman

Jumper - Third Eye Blind

Semi Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind

Waterfalls - TLC

Wild Thing - Tone Loc (removed after it was discovered this song is 80's)

If You Could Only See - Tonic

Nobody Knows - Tony Rich Project

Give Me One Reason - Tracy Chapman

California Love- Tupac Shakur & Dr. Dre

You Make Me Wanna - Usher

Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice

Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve

Freshman - Verve Pipe

Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes (not 90's)

One headlight - The Wallflowers

Regulators - Warren G

Your Woman - White Town

Fresh Prince of Bel Air - Will Smith

Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It - Will Smith

Men in Black - Will Smith

The songs that didn't make it:

Hoochie Mama - 2 Live Crew

Tootsie Roll - 69 Boys

The Hardest Thing - 98 Degrees

Put It In Your Mouth - Akinyele

Man In The Box - Alice In Chains

Barbie Girl - Aqua

Sabotage - Beastie Boys

Brick - Ben Folds Five

Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus

Song 2 - Blur

Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle

Humpin' Around - Bobby Brown

Crossroads - Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

All The Small Things - Blink 182

Machinehead - Bush

Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See - Busta Rhymes

Far Behind - Candlebox

Block Rockin' Beats - Chemical Brothers

Genie In a Bottle - Christina Aguilera

Insane In The Brain - Cypress Hill

Around the world - Daft Punk

Crash - Dave Matthews Band

Ruff Ryders' Anthem - DMX

Blue (Da Da Dee) - Eiffel 65

My Name Is - Eminem

Father of Mine - Everclear

Insomnia - Faithless

When I Grow Up - Garbage

Rico Suave - Gerardo

Oooh Aaaah...Just A Little Bit - Gina G

November Rain - Guns 'N Roses

Mmmm Bop - Hanson

Today Was A Good Day - Ice Cube

Money Ain't A Thang - Jay-Z

If You Had My Love - Jennifer Lopez (before J-Lo)

Let's Get Ready To Rumble - The Jock Jams

When You Love A Woman - Journey

Got The Life - Korn

Bawitdaba - Kid Rock

Faith - Limp Bizkit

My Own Worst Enemy - Lit

Selling The Drama - Live

Naked Eye - Lucious Jackson

Scarred - Luke

I Got 5 On It - Luniz

Rain - Madonna

I Need To Know - Marc Anthony

Real Love - Mary J Blige

Sexual Healing - Max-A-Million

I Would Do Anything for Love - Meatloaf

Enter Sandman - Metallica

Hip Hop Hooray - Naughty By Nature

Rape Me - Nirvana

I'm Just a Girl - No Doubt

Spiderwebs - No Doubt

Juicy - Notorious B.I.G.

Pretty Fly (for a white guy) - Offspring

4am - Our Lady Peace

ATLiens - Outkast

Evenflow - Pearl Jam

I Got A Man - Positive K

I'll Stand By You - The Pretenders

Breathe - Prodigy

I'll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy

C'mon N' Ride It (the Train) - Quad City DJ's

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (not 90's, but brought back to #1 because of Wayne's World)

Bulls on Parade - Rage Against The Machine

Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex

It's the End of the World - REM (not 90's)

Livin' La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin

I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred

Show Me Love - Robyn

I'm the Scat Man - Scat Man

Today - Smashing Pumpkins

Walkin' On The Sun - Smashmouth

Gin and Juice - Snoop Doggy Dogg

Runaway Train - Soul Asylum

Interstate Love Song - Stone Temple Pilots

Santeria - Sublime

Life is a Highway - Tom Cochrane

Changes - Tupac Shakur

Volcano Girl - Veruca Salt

Buddy Holly - Weezer

I'm Every Woman - Whitney Houston

Rump Shaker - Wrex-n-Effect

Triumph - Wu Tang Clan

The truck to penis ratio

2010-01-04T10:30:00.001-05:00

There aren't going to be a lot of icky words in this week's blog. I'll post a picture of a truck and follow it with the estimated size of the Owner's penis.

Here we go!

Normal truck = normal sized penis (that's like 5" right? Because I've got that WAAAAY covered)

Wheels are gettin' bigger, so the penis is gettin' smaller! = 4.8"

Those jeans look like they've got a lot of extra room in the crotch region = 3.4"

I'm pretty sure that stuff under the truck is some sort of roofing girder = 2.7"

Oh Jesus Christ. Huge wheels (even on the F'n trailer), 10' tall truck, camo, AND a sweater vest = 1.9"

I guess not all stereotypes are true = 0.6"

I know this isn't real, but still... = -17"

If you're happy and you know it, stop your car.

2009-12-31T14:30:00.000-05:00

Stop signs, let's talk about them.

It seems there's a lot of confusion as to what you're supposed to do when you see one of these complicated signs. I'm going to help clear the air by making a list of things to do (or not) at a stop sign:

1. Don't wait until you're halfway into the intersection before you stop your car. There's a white line for a reason.

2. Don't wave somebody else through when you were clearly the first person at the intersection. You can't just make up your own driving rules, and you're not above the law.

Nothing pisses me off more when I'm behind someone at an intersection who's trying to be "nice" and let's another car go ahead of them. You're actually being an asshole for making the car behind you wait longer.

3. Don't just stop and then go when you see a stop sign. The first person to the intersection has the right of way. You're not the center of the universe, other people exist.

4. Use your turn signal if you plan on......turning.

5. Just stop. It's not complicated.

Gobbles!

2009-11-24T12:11:00.003-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

This blog will probably be on a hiatus until the New Year, but there's a chance for a random update here and there.