Check it yo.

Today, my wife and I were walking towards the check-out line of a Michael's (we were buying lovely closet-organization paraphernalia, because I no longer own a pair of testicles) and locked eyes with a lady who was on an equidistant path to the same register. The lady did one of those quick-footed shuffles to get in front of us and then proceeded to camp out at the register with her unnecessarily gigantic purse.

AFTER every item had been rung-up, she pulled out her checkbook. 20 minutes later (give or take 13 minutes), she was done. If I could have reached one of the paint-it-yourself birdhouses, I would have stabbed her in the throat with it.

Checks do not need to exist anymore. There is not a single reason you should be using a check unless you are over the age of 90 or mentally challenged. If you still use checks, you are not only wasting your own time by writing them, but you are wasting the time of everyone around you. Congratulations for sucking at life.

And lady at Michael's, if I see you again in there next time I need to purchase a Martha Stewart scrap-booking kit, I will stab the shit out of your throat with a birdhouse.